sex psychology - Malka Ceh, PhD, MSc, cNPA

You were going to stay for one drink. Then that person arrivev, and suddenly you have opinions about where to sit. You notice their hands, the way they look at you, and whether they laugh at your jokes. You find a reason to continue a conversation that, if anyone else were having it, would have ended twenty minutes ago. Tomorrow’s early start has become negotiable. You would very much like this person to move a little closer.

That is LUST: the core emotional system underlying erotic desire and sexual pleasure. Like the other core systems, it generates feelings and impulses that organize behavior around an evolutionary problem. In this case, getting organisms interested enough in one another to reproduce. Your immediate experience is considerably less administrative.

Why evolution is obsessed with sex

An animal can survive beautifully and still leave no descendants. From the standpoint of natural selection, staying alive only matters because it creates opportunities for genes to continue into subsequent generations. Reproduction is the biological outcome around which evolution has shaped living organisms; LUST is one of its most direct motivational arrangements. An animal doesn’t need to understand fertilization or decide that the population could use another member. It’s programmed to find a potential mate attractive, pursue contact, and find sexual interaction rewarding enough to do it again. Sexual feelings accomplish that without requiring any knowledge of what they are accomplishing [1].

This also explains why wanting sex and wanting children are entirely different experiences. Evolution linked pleasure to behavior that could produce offspring. It did not require a conscious commitment to parenthood. Contraception makes that separation especially convenient, but erotic life was never restricted to reproductive occasions. For you, the reward may be pleasure, intimacy, excitement, or the satisfaction of a desire. Those are personal purposes and today, the evolutionary history of your sexuality, does not oblige you to reproduce.

Freud suspected it

Freud gave sexuality a much larger role in mental life than we would sometimes wish to. He proposed that libido could be redirected into other activities through sublimation, contributing to creative work and the formation of character. Sexual wishes and the efforts to restrain them could shape a life well beyond its explicitly sexual moments [2]. The evolutionary importance of reproduction gives us good reason to take sexual motivation seriously. Attracting and retaining mates could hardly have been a minor concern for generations of animals whose descendants depended on it. But that does not make Freud’s libido identical to the LUST system. In affective science, we distinguish erotic motivation from the systems underlying exploration, affection, attachment, and play. These systems cooperate, but each has something of its own to contribute [1,3]. You can want someone sexually without wanting a life with them. You can love someone deeply without wanting sex with them. And you can desperately want someone to want you while having surprisingly little interest in what would happen if they did.

How much of your life is an attempt to look attractive?

Sexual motivation has practical problems to solve before anyone gets undressed. You need opportunities to meet people, something that attracts their attention, and reasons for them to prefer your company. Consequently, mating motives can influence activities that look like fashion, professional ambition, generosity, or an unusually committed interest in the gym. Conspicuous consumption is one example: buying something partly because other people will recognize what it says about you. A watch tells the time, but the price difference between two watches may purchase considerably more information about their owners than about the hour. In experiments, short-term mating motives increased men’s conspicuous spending, and conspicuous purchases increased their attractiveness as short-term partners [4]. Resources are only one possible advertisement. Generosity, creativity, competence, and willingness to help can also make a person attractive. Research has found that romantic motives can encourage conspicuous helpfulness as well as conspicuous consumption, with the form of the display depending on the person and situation [5].

We can reasonably suspect that the wish to be desirable reaches further into everyday life than we explicitly acknowledge. You may enjoy your work and also enjoy becoming someone an attractive person would find impressive. You may genuinely care about a cause and become especially articulate about it when a particular person is listening. Mixed motives are ordinary. A substantial percentage of human behavior is caused by LUST, and many achievement are in reality disguised mating display. Much of your efforts into having a life you enjoy are actually efforts of having a life that makes you look worth wanting.

How the brain makes someone sexually interesting

Neuronally, LUST arises from interacting subcortical networks, with important roles for the hypothalamus and its connections with other regions involved in sensory processing, motivation, and bodily responses. The medial preoptic area is particularly important in male sexual behavior and the ventromedial hypothalamus in female sexual receptivity. Sex hormones influence how readily these networks respond and experience also changes what they are activated by [1]. Hypothalamic activity gradually increases during mating, tracks receptivity, and changes with hormonal state. Sexual responsiveness emerges from an interaction between the internal condition and the ongoing encounter [6]. That encounter includes everything you perceive and understand about the other person. The same touch can be welcome, uninteresting, or unpleasant depending on who is touching you, what you expect, and what has happened between you. Desire can hit out of nowhere, or build up while you’re already having a good time. Just because you aren’t in the mood before things start doesn’t mean you won’t get into it once they do [7].

LUST also works alongside the other emotional systems. SEEKING contributes pursuit and anticipation; PLAY makes flirtation enjoyable; CARE and attachment make sexual contact part of a close relationship. FEAR, resentment, or the expectation of humiliation interfere. You live the experience as a whole person, grounded in your body, your history, and your specific circumstances.

Sometimes it barely gets you going

A relatively underactive LUST system would mean less erotic interest and less reward from sexual experiences. You rarely anticipate sex, feel little inclination to initiate it, or find that an experience other people describe as absorbing leaves you largely unmoved. If you want access to that pleasure, its absence can feel like a substantial loss. Lower pleasure-focused LUST activity is associated with more depressive and anxiety symptoms and greater difficulties in personality functioning. When reduced desire is personally distressing, people describe frustration, sadness, diminished confidence, and feeling less connected to a partner [7,8]. Distressing low desire is also associated with poorer quality of life and lower self-esteem [9].

But an apparently quiet system can have several explanations. Depression, medication, pain, trauma, and relationship difficulties can all interfere with sexual interest or enjoyment [10,11]. You might have little desire generally, or little desire under the circumstances in which sex is currently not an option. Wanting less sex also does not mean you cannot love someone or build close relationships. Someone who is naturally fine with little to no sex is in a different place than someone who is grieving a loss of intimacy, and the same goes for someone who’s situation stops them from living the way they want.

When wanting sex starts taking over

A strongly responsive LUST system can be a considerable source of enjoyment. Higher pleasure-focused LUST activity is associated with more SEEKING and PLAY, greater trust and comfort with closeness, and less attachment anxiety. Strong partnered desire can coexist with secure attachment, self-control, and high sexual satisfaction [8,12]. Wanting sex frequently is perfectly okay [13]. Trouble begins when sexual pursuits repeatedly override decisions you otherwise want to keep. You stay online long after deciding to sleep, neglect responsibilities, or continue encounters whose consequences have already become painful. Attempts to change the pattern repeatedly fail. Impaired control, continued behavior despite harm, and interference with everyday functioning are characterized as compulsive sexual behavior [14,15].

Compulsion does not deliver more pleasure. A person can spend increasing amounts of time pursuing sexual stimulation while finding the experience less satisfying. Research distinguishes stronger sexual drive from aspects of compulsivity associated with negative consequences and poorer sexual functioning [16]. Here, it helps to investigate what the pursuit is doing. Sometimes you want erotic pleasure. Sometimes being desired provides temporary relief from feeling unattractive, rejected, or insignificant. Sexual activity can serve several emotional purposes at once, and increasing its frequency may do little to resolve the distress that keeps sending you back.

When you want different amounts

In a relationship, the difficulty is often the difference between two people’s desires. Neither person needs an unusually strong or weak LUST response for the discrepancy to become painful. One begins to experience initiation as another opportunity for rejection; the other begins to experience affection as the opening of a negotiation they don’t want to have. Persistent desire discrepancies predict sexual distress, particularly when the difference is experienced as a problem [17,18].

It’s important how partners respond. Affectionate responses are associated with greater satisfaction despite low desire, while hostile or dismissive responses are associated with poorer outcomes. Couples can also preserve closeness and relationship satisfaction through affection and everyday support even when they can’t solve the discrepancy [19,20,21]. The person who wants more is allowed to miss sex. The person who wants less is allowed to decline it. Making room for both experiences gives you a better chance of understanding what is possible than treating either desire or refusal as an offense.

What do you want your sexuality to give you?

Evolution explains why sexual pleasure is such a powerful incentive. But every one of us is different in how much of our life we want to organize around it, whom we want to share it with, what we a re ready to do for it, which consequences we are willing to accept, etc. In psychoanalysis, we explore what happens to desire in your life. Perhaps wanting someone makes you feel dangerously dependent. Perhaps being wanted matters more than enjoying the encounter. Perhaps you lose interest once affection becomes dependable, or cannot enjoy pleasure without turning it into a test of your performance. Understanding those patterns means working through the expectations, fears, and experiences that organize what happens.

The aim is to have more freedom to enjoy what you want, recognize what you don’t, make acceptable decisions, remain satisfied after the immediate excitement has passed. That may mean recovering an erotic life you miss, bringing a compulsive pursuit under control, accepting that sex occupies less space in your life than other people think it should, etc.

Back at the gathering, you may decide to stay. You may discover that the interest is mutual and be delighted you did. You can enjoy the desire and still go home. You can go home together. You may also decide that wanting this person does not make the available arrangement worth it. There is never a single, unambiguous answer. It is an encounter with your own internal economy, where desire, prohibitions, and your past experiences constantly test one another.

References

[1] Panksepp, J., & Biven, L. (2012). The archaeology of mind: Neuroevolutionary origins of human emotions. W. W. Norton & Company.

[2] Freud, S. (1920). Three contributions to the theory of sex (A. A. Brill, Trans.; 2nd ed.). Nervous and Mental Disease Publishing Company. https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14969 (Original work published 1905)

[3] Davis, K. L., & Panksepp, J. (2018). The emotional foundations of personality: A neurobiological and evolutionary approach. W. W. Norton & Company.

[4] Sundie, J. M., Kenrick, D. T., Griskevicius, V., Tybur, J. M., Vohs, K. D., & Beal, D. J. (2011). Peacocks, Porsches, and Thorstein Veblen: Conspicuous consumption as a sexual signaling system. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100(4), 664–680. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021669

[5] Griskevicius, V., Tybur, J. M., Sundie, J. M., Cialdini, R. B., Miller, G. F., & Kenrick, D. T. (2007). Blatant benevolence and conspicuous consumption: When romantic motives elicit strategic costly signals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 93(1), 85–102. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.93.1.85

[6] Liu, M., Nair, A., Coria, N., Linderman, S. W., & Anderson, D. J. (2024). Encoding of female mating dynamics by a hypothalamic line attractor. Nature, 634(8035), 901–909. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41586-024-07916-w

[7] Clayton, A. H., Goldstein, I., Kim, N. N., Althof, S. E., Faubion, S. S., Faught, B. M., Parish, S. J., Simon, J. A., Vignozzi, L., Christiansen, K., Davis, S. R., Freedman, M. A., Kingsberg, S. A., Kirana, P.-S., Larkin, L., McCabe, M., & Sadovsky, R. (2018). The International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health process of care for management of hypoactive sexual desire disorder in women. Mayo Clinic Proceedings, 93(4), 467–487. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.mayocp.2017.11.002

[8] Fuchshuber, J., Jauk, E., Hiebler-Ragger, M., & Unterrainer, H. F. (2022). The affective neuroscience of sexuality: Development of a LUST scale. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 16, Article 853706. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2022.853706

[9] Goldstein, I., Kim, N. N., Clayton, A. H., DeRogatis, L. R., Giraldi, A., Parish, S. J., Pfaus, J. G., Simon, J. A., Kingsberg, S. A., Meston, C. M., Stahl, S. M., Wallen, K., & Worsley, R. (2017). Hypoactive sexual desire disorder: International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH) expert consensus panel review. Mayo Clinic Proceedings, 92(1), 114–128. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.mayocp.2016.09.018

[10] Basson, R., & Gilks, T. (2018). Women’s sexual dysfunction associated with psychiatric disorders and their treatment. Women’s Health, 14, Article 1745506518762664. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745506518762664

[11] Worsley, R., Bell, R. J., Gartoulla, P., & Davis, S. R. (2017). Prevalence and predictors of low sexual desire, sexually related personal distress, and hypoactive sexual desire dysfunction in a community-based sample of midlife women. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 14(5), 675–686. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsxm.2017.03.254

[12] Dosch, A., Rochat, L., Ghisletta, P., Favez, N., & Van der Linden, M. (2016). Psychological factors involved in sexual desire, sexual activity, and sexual satisfaction: A multi-factorial perspective. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 45(8), 2029–2045. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-014-0467-z

[13] Briken, P., Bőthe, B., Carvalho, J., Coleman, E., Giraldi, A., Kraus, S. W., Lew-Starowicz, M., & Pfaus, J. G. (2024). Assessment and treatment of compulsive sexual behavior disorder: A sexual medicine perspective. Sexual Medicine Reviews, 12(3), 355–370. https://doi.org/10.1093/sxmrev/qeae014

[14] Dickenson, J. A., Gleason, N., Coleman, E., & Miner, M. H. (2018). Prevalence of distress associated with difficulty controlling sexual urges, feelings, and behaviors in the United States. JAMA Network Open, 1(7), Article e184468. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2018.4468

[15] Castro-Calvo, J., Gil-Llario, M. D., Giménez-García, C., Gil-Juliá, B., & Ballester-Arnal, R. (2020). Occurrence and clinical characteristics of compulsive sexual behavior disorder (CSBD): A cluster analysis in two independent community samples. Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 9(2), 446–468. https://doi.org/10.1556/2006.2020.00025

[16] Glica, A., Wizła, M., Gola, M., & Lewczuk, K. (2023). Hypo- or hyperfunction? Differential relationships between compulsive sexual behavior disorder facets and sexual health. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 20(3), 332–345. https://doi.org/10.1093/jsxmed/qdac035

[17] Jodouin, J.-F., Rosen, N. O., Merwin, K., & Bergeron, S. (2021). Discrepancy in dyadic sexual desire predicts sexual distress over time in a community sample of committed couples: A daily diary and longitudinal study. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(8), 3637–3649. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-01967-0

[18] Peixoto, M. M. (2022). Problematic sexual desire discrepancy in heterosexuals, gay men and lesbian women: Differences in sexual satisfaction and dyadic adjustment. Psychology & Sexuality, 13(5), 1231–1241. https://doi.org/10.1080/19419899.2021.1999313

[19] Belu, C. F., Corsini-Munt, S., Dubé, J. P., Wang, G. A., & Rosen, N. O. (2023). Partner responses to low desire among couples coping with male hypoactive sexual desire disorder and associations with sexual well-being. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 20(7), 955–964. https://doi.org/10.1093/jsxmed/qdad069

[20] Jang, G. E., Corsini-Munt, S., Shimizu, J. P. K., Belu, C. F., Wang, G. A., & Rosen, N. O. (2025). Sexual rejection behaviors used by men with hypoactive sexual desire disorder: Associations with couples’ sexual and relationship outcomes. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 51(8), 845–862. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2025.2557476

[21] Arenella, K., Girard, A., & Connor, J. (2024). Desire discrepancy in long-term relationships: A qualitative study with diverse couples. Family Process, 63(3), 1201–1216. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12967

Have you ever started reading about tantric sex, liked where it was going, and then lost the plot somewhere between the chakras and the cosmic energies? You were quite attracted to the idea of taking your time, paying attention to touch, and discovering what else pleasure might feel like. Then apparently your genitals needed to participate in a spiritual awakening. You might have closed the tab with a mix of disappointment, fed-up-ness, and mild regret that you were leaving out an experience you would probably enjoy, if only it would get rid of its esoteric baggage. You can be interested in a more sensual sex life without wanting a woo-woo one. The prospect of lingering over another person’s body, feeling more of what happens when you touch, and enjoying intimacy without constantly anticipating the next move is inviting, and it hardly needs a cosmic explanation. Fortunately, you do not have to abandon the subject: some teachers and writers discuss attention, desire, and sexual pleasure in straightforward, secular terms. Others offer tantric approaches you can read selectively, taking an interest in the experience without adopting their explanations for it.

Mindfulness, with a little more undressing

Perhaps you have had better luck finding mindfulness practices that leave the supernatural out. Paying attention to your experience without immediately judging it is an idea that can be work with. You can notice your breathing, recognize that your mind has wandered, and return to what is happening. Nobody needs to introduce a chakra. The same emphasis on present-moment attention is central to the approach to tantric sex we are considering here, particularly the emphasis on awareness and relaxed intimacy (Richardson, 2011). It’s only that sex is usually conspicuously absent from mindfulness practices. The mindfulness you have encountered may have probably felt rather cool and neutral: observing a thought, noticing a sensation, allowing it to pass. Useful, certainly, but perhaps not quite what you were looking for when you became interested in tantra. In tantric practice, you want to become absorbed in an experience, enjoy its intensity, and feel how your body responds to someone you love. Watching your thoughts drift past or paying attention while eating a raisin is one thing, but having sex gives your attention a rather different incentive to stay. Sexual mindfulness does exist (Lori Brotto’s work addresses it directly) but it may be a subject you have to go looking for separately (Brotto, 2018).

So, what is tantric sex without the mystical gibberish?

Tantric sex without the mystical gibberish is simply somatic mindfulness brought into physical intimacy. It strips away goal-oriented performance, like speed, climax, or rigid techniques, and replaces them with total sensory presence, deep relaxation, and genuine emotional connection. Instead of chasing cosmic energies or opening chakras, the practice focuses on four grounded physical habits. By slowing movement down by ninety percent, you force the mind out of mental fantasy and directly into immediate physical sensations like texture, warmth, pressure, and subtle shifts in touch. Deep abdominal breathing combined with an unclenched jaw signals safety to your autonomic nervous system, allowing your body to remain relaxed rather than building up nervous tension. Sustained eye contact and soft, curious awareness anchor you entirely in the present moment, turning intimacy into an ongoing, living dialogue rather than a routine. Removing the pressure of reaching a specific endpoint allows physical pleasure to be experienced as a continuous, unfolding state of deep rest and mutual appreciation. Ultimately, it is not a magical ritual, but a simple, grounded art of being fully awake, relaxed, and present in your body and with your partner.

Here are some author who focus more on mindful, grounded sexuality with less or zero New Age fluff, theatrical rituals, and pseudoscience in favor of somatic presence, nervous system awareness, and genuine emotional connection:

Diana Richardson: The Heart of Tantric Sex and Slow Sex. These are the most directly tantric books here. The Heart of Tantric Sex presents her modern adaptation of tantra for sexual intimacy and Slow Sex develops the emphasis on awareness and unhurried contact. They may appeal if you want to read about the quality of the encounter rather than collect more sexual moves. Richardson does use spiritual and energy language, so these are books for selective reading, rather than entirely grounded guides. But you can consider her descriptions of touch and attention without treating every explanation as a fact (Richardson, 2003, 2011).

Lori Brotto: Better Sex Through Mindfulness. If you would prefer to leave spiritual interpretation out altogether, Brotto offers a direct connection between mindfulness and sexuality. A clinical psychologist and sex researcher, she examines how attention, stress, and distraction relate to sexual desire and enjoyment, drawing on her work with women. This is particularly relevant if you recognize the experience of being physically involved in sex while your thoughts are occupied elsewhere. Her approach gives you a way to investigate sexual attention without first translating mystical terminology (Brotto, 2018). Greystone Books Ltd.

Emily Nagoski: Come As You Are. Nagoski’s book complements this exploration by explaining how sexual experience is affected by context, including stress, trust, and feelings about your body. Its focus is understanding sexuality, especially women’s sexuality, rather than teaching tantra. You may find it helpful if you tend to interpret variations in desire as evidence that you are doing sex badly. Understanding more about the conditions in which you enjoy yourself can align comfortably with an interest in lingering over the enjoyment itself (Nagoski, 2021).

Too much closeness to dismiss

It is a shame that an interest in tantric sex can end so quickly in an argument with its supernatural packaging. You go looking for an approach that takes sensuality seriously and find yourself being asked to accept claims that put you off the entire subject. The loss is more than a few bedroom suggestions. Tantra is one of the few widely recognizable traditions people turn to for a sustained discussion of sex as an experience of attention, affection, and pleasure. That is a conversation worth having without making belief the price of admission. You might want sex that gives you time to become thoroughly interested in a kiss, or to enjoy being touched without deciding where it needs to lead. You might want to discover what happens when neither of you is in a hurry and you are both enjoying the delay. A secular approach lets you take that interest seriously. The supernatural explanations can remain on the page. You and whoever you fancy have other possibilities to investigate.